my fingertips are thawing, from the frozen hearts i touch. i've got a full list and it's growing, but it never adds to much. leave it to you to keep it simple, leave it to you to break my heart. i've got eyes of glass reflection, but i can never see that much. it's me who is the fool, eating dirt and swallowing lies... i've always known the deadly code of your unforgiving eyes. my fingers are yellow and royal blue, the walls are painted because of you, so simply put i never took the time to forget you, so watch, eyes wide open? eyes wide shut. as i die and give up then branch into the new, all without you.

when did i let it get the best of me? when did i let it wrap around my body and tug tighter and tighter until i couldn't breathe? when did i lose my mind and allow for the take over? truth? i'm disgusted with myself and i can't bare to look at myself anymore. i'm something even i can't contemplate. i'm doing things i wouldn't do, i'm letting myself completely lapse back to the very place i worked for years to get out of. i can't even bare to admit it, but she was right and now i'm paying for it. karma has kicked my ass to there and back and i guess i deserve it, but old diseases are hard to kick and i can't even explain how hard it is to resist falling. i'm strong, i have to remember that, i've got bones of iron and a tongue of gold but it's bloodied from all the sharp comments i've made and regret. i feel like i'm floating and i'm watching myself from somewhere else, but how do you go back? how do you pick up the pieces and start back from where you were? the funny thing is i've done it so many times i can't count on all my toes, fingers, and stars, but each time you forget, and have to reteach yourself how to do it all once again. billy joel is singing me the bible, and it's burning on the left side of my brain, and he's right. he's so right...

and for that, i'm sorry.

you never know when life is going to hit you. you never expect the thrust between the eyes as life slaps you with a new slate, a new chance, and a new beginning. in many ways this "weekend" has created a new life for me, a new stanza to sing and a new moral to embed into my mind. the things i've heard, the kindness i've seen it overwhelms me to the point of which i cannot explain...words cannot explain these past three days. i just wish that each and every single one of you gets a three days exactly like it.

there's just somethings you can't face, and when you look into the eyes of someone who faces what you cannot, your eyes glow, your heart glows, your mind glows. some people are just made with that goop inside of them, their courage is beyond their years. some people are made with guts made of steel and eyes that never shed tears, some are made with unbreakable walls and boundaries that keep them confined to their own space, and some are made without use of their senses and sight. i've met them all, and i've never met one like my mother. maybe at times there's places we conflict, maybe we don't agree about the things that i want to do, and where my future lies, maybe we don't agree on what time i should be home on a school night or a non school night, but i know this, and i've always known this... my mother is a solider. there's only so much you can do when you're told an unforeseen future, and my oh my the eyes of the tiger rose to the occasion tonight. how could you face this with such dignity and courage? if it were me i'd flight at the smell of this disaster. you inspire every bone in my body, every ounce of courage i have is from the courage i see in you. you are remarkable, brilliant and one of a kind... and i'm proud to be your flower.

sometimes you try to justify you're feelings as your putting them together, and sometimes you try to demolish what you think for the sake of saving what little you have left. i can't be mad, i can't feel guilty, and i can't hang onto this feeling, if i don't want to feel like this, i don't have to feel like this! i sat up last night, watching the history of new york 1977, and the place draws me in, every single inch of it makes me want more and more what is less and less likely. "you're too naive for the world.." it turns out, it is she who is too naive, it is she who is scared of danger and defeat, it is she that is scared that through me, her dreams will perish. i will not say that these past few days have not been hard, losing someone you love is always hard, losing options is something that isn't a great feeling, and longing... oh god longing is by far the worst. i have learned a value, a true value for the words "i love you". in our society it's too often used, it's too often thrown around without meaning behind it. three little words can make you feel as though you're on top of the world, three little words could ruin your life. the words feel like cardboard coming out of my mouth, therefore i have banished them from my vocabulary until i find someone, friend or lover, in which i can comfortably say it, though it's not easy to erase the words and memories, it's time i pick up my chin and take the world on once again. there's no use in sulking around forever, and in memories i will live, and in lessons i will learn. i have to say, i cannot wait until the weekend, when my friends will surround me and give me their all, i have to say, i cannot wait until tomorrow, i have to say his voice makes me smile and forget about everything, i have to say, i could have a potentially life altering problem once again at my feet, but i have to say that through it all, i'm going to be okay. i'm going to stand up and i'm going to let myself be the person i want to be...and i have to say that feels great.

when you were little, the tooth fairy would come from the night sky and swoop through your window with golden thread and silver wings and sit on your bed for a moment, next to your head and watch the stars glisten and she would lean against our heads and she'd listen. she'd hear stories from far and from near and she'd take the pain and smiles and wrap it around her glowing finger and blow it up to the stars which twinkled, the perfect balance. after a moment she'd take the tooth we left and in it's place put a coin, a single coin, but she knew that when we woke up, our toothless smiles wouldn't be erased. she knew that these deeds would ease our minds into that single moment. for the past few nights i've stared up at the night sky, chasing stars with my fingertips and reaching for the moon. i've been sitting in cars and in basements and i've been wishing that some magic tooth fairy would come speak to me again. the magic is gone, and i've sure as hell made that statement clear, and when it comes back, it comes back in the worst of ways. where are we? it's foreign, and the taste? it wrapped around my tongue and down my throat, traveling down, then up, then down and settling. each point made me sure that this was not choice. there hasn't been one moment without thinking about you, wanting and craving your voice, your smile, your eyes. i might have lost all that. i ask for one thing, i ask for you. that's all i need, i need you like i need the stars to talk to and i need you like the world needs pain and i need you like a car needs fuel and i need you like i need to kick this oh so sudden habit of mine. i've walked on clouds, and i've fallen right through. i've spoken to angels, and they've warned me. my nerves are racing, what will these weeks bring? will these next days open my eyes or close them tighter than they are now. the truth of the matter? i'm scared